Learning the Hard-on Way

I don’t know if any of you have ever had a parent/guardian/older relative/sibling’s friend walk in on you and your significant other while doing the deed.  But I can assure you that it is a terrible and painfully unforgettable experience.  Take whatever embarrassment and horror that you can imagine occurring in a situation like this, then multiply it by one hundred, and then take it to the 10th power of your worst nightmare.

When it happened to me, it was 2am in a small suburb in Pennsylvania. This is a poignant detail, especially because my boyfriend’s parents thought I was still in Italy at this point. Imagine his father’s surprise when, after a long night at work, he pressed open his son’s door for a wave goodnight, only to see one stark naked white ass high in the air, poised above some other sweaty body, and my lumpy boob plunging like a torpedo directly into his son’s mouth.

The moment lasted painfully long, since his dad was frozen in shock for what seemed like minutes.  I think it’s important to note at this point that my boyfriend’s parents are the strictest of traditionalists, expecting their 22 year old son to avoid circumstances such as this until at least marriage.

In the end, my boyfriend was mostly in the clear. Not only did my naked ass/boob/flab combo cover him mostly from the sting of his father’s eyes, but his dad was much too embarrassed to ever bring it up.   I can’t help but laugh when I imagine what had to be the painfully awkward affair that was their family breakfast the morning after.   Talk about a giant, naked, elephant in the room, slapping its package on the breakfast table.

I laugh now, but I do regret the fact that I couldn’t look any member of his family in the eye for weeks. Not to mention it completely killed the vibe on our long awaited return-from-study-abroad sack session.

I share this with you because I want to offer to everyone a desperate plea: Attend to details, for God’s sake.  When you twist the lock on the knob and close the bedroom door, please make sure it clicks shut.