Don’t Buy Tight Underwear, Continued

An unearthing of a journal from my younger days offers a welcome reminder of girlhood lessons well learned.
(Read Part 1 Here)

As promised, here are more eggs of knowledge courtesy of my 10 to 13 year old self:

8. Families are the best things ever.

9. If you need to leave someone’s house at an early time, make sure they don’t have an alarm that will wake everyone else up when you open the front door.

10. Never pressure people. Always try to make other people feel comfortable.

11. Don’t put yourself down, or others.

12. Don’t say bad things about teachers in an attempt at humor.

13. Old people CAN play volleyball. And it’s illegal to spike on a serve.

…
Needless to say, I was much wiser at age 12 than I am now.

Daily Cap

Suggestions to do, see, hear and enjoy during a mid-morning Dirty.

Do: “Check Out “Clocky, a wheeled alarm clock you have to chase to shut off : )

Listen to: “Case In Point” – Andrew Bird

Watch: Growing Up Red. A true look at what it’s really like to be a red head in a non red-headed world.
(Courtesy of the talented Alexandra Franklin, Director)

Don’t Buy Tight Underwear

Recently, I came across an old notebook from my younger years, circa age 11. In it, I had recorded thoughts and doodles and worthwhile experiences of an awkward adolescence. (Pretty much the same thing that I do here.) After each post in the journal , I had noted an important lesson that I learned during that day.

Lucky for all of you, I have chosen to share some of those lessons here today. Heed and enjoy.

1. Don’t invite yourself over parties anymore.

2. Don’t talk so much. Listen!

3. Don’t be a tool bag on your bike and try to come to a screeching halt because you will just end up clipping off a car’s side mirror. Brake with ample time.

4. Don’t talk online. AIM is an ingredient for trouble.

5. Do start conversations with guys! But don’t forget to introduce yourself.

6. Never mention a party or surprise party to ANYONE.

7. Don’t buy small underwear.
…
Check back later this week for even more insights from my tender youth~

Daily Cap

Suggestions to do, see, hear and enjoy during a mid-morning martini.

Read: 20 Ways to Waste Your Money (MSN.com)

Listen to:  “Karen” by The National

Watch: Japanese Crowd Prank

Daily Cap

Suggestions to do, see, hear and enjoy during a mid-morning sangria.

Read: Chelsea Handler’s My Horizontal Life.

Listen to: “Quelqu’un m’a dit” by Carla Bruni

Watch: Old Women Falling Down

Learning the Hard-on Way

I don’t know if any of you have ever had a parent/guardian/older relative/sibling’s friend walk in on you and your significant other while doing the deed.  But I can assure you that it is a terrible and painfully unforgettable experience.  Take whatever embarrassment and horror that you can imagine occurring in a situation like this, then multiply it by one hundred, and then take it to the 10th power of your worst nightmare.

When it happened to me, it was 2am in a small suburb in Pennsylvania. This is a poignant detail, especially because my boyfriend’s parents thought I was still in Italy at this point. Imagine his father’s surprise when, after a long night at work, he pressed open his son’s door for a wave goodnight, only to see one stark naked white ass high in the air, poised above some other sweaty body, and my lumpy boob plunging like a torpedo directly into his son’s mouth.

The moment lasted painfully long, since his dad was frozen in shock for what seemed like minutes.  I think it’s important to note at this point that my boyfriend’s parents are the strictest of traditionalists, expecting their 22 year old son to avoid circumstances such as this until at least marriage.

In the end, my boyfriend was mostly in the clear. Not only did my naked ass/boob/flab combo cover him mostly from the sting of his father’s eyes, but his dad was much too embarrassed to ever bring it up.   I can’t help but laugh when I imagine what had to be the painfully awkward affair that was their family breakfast the morning after.   Talk about a giant, naked, elephant in the room, slapping its package on the breakfast table.

I laugh now, but I do regret the fact that I couldn’t look any member of his family in the eye for weeks. Not to mention it completely killed the vibe on our long awaited return-from-study-abroad sack session.

I share this with you because I want to offer to everyone a desperate plea: Attend to details, for God’s sake.  When you twist the lock on the knob and close the bedroom door, please make sure it clicks shut.